Failed Expectations

Here I am on CD18 with nothing to be excited about.. the medicinal concoction that my RE prescribed this month was Clomid 200mg CD 5-9, Metformin 1500mg QD, Bromocriptine 15MG QD, & a cute little prenatal vitamin to help increase my folic acid level. My instructions were clear when I left his office earlier this month. “Start testing with OPK’s CD11 and once you’ve detected your LH surge – well, you know what to do. Call us with your positive test next month!” I felt like all that was missing was the ‘good game’ butt slap. I was sure that this would be our month. Everything would work the way it should and even if it didnt yield us our BFP, I would at least be relieved that I knew my body had responded the way it should’ve.

So I did as I was told CD11 I started with the OPK’s. I was sure by now that I would have detected my LH surge and this month would’ve left us with more hope than the last. My expectations have failed. I am not sure why my body is not responding the way it is supposed to. Especially for what I’ve been putting it through. Severe cramping daily for at least the last week, the craziest appetite, mood swings like ain’t nobody’s business, and last but not least – my personal favorite those delightful hot flashes. Oh man, I am sure I’ve been nothing less than an angel to be around lately. I don’t know how my husband does it some days. But I am grateful that he does.

I feel as if I am just ready to start over with a new cycle and see what we can do next month to help. Increase this dosage here, tweak that dosage there. Today I feel like all expectations I had this month failed, but moreso I feel like a failure. I feel like I am the one letting us down in our quest to have a family. All the testing that we have had done over the years shows there isn’t any reason that we can’t convceive. Other than my pituitary adenoma, which is the main reason I don’t ovulate as I should – which is in my eyes the reason we haven’t had any luck. I feel like every month that passes us by is wasted – I know it isn’t but it sure feels that way.

Next week marks our 5 year wedding anniversary and I wanted nothing more than to be able to show my husband a positive test.

Ah well, nothing much left to do except pick myself up, dust the dirt off and keep on keepin’ on..

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