It’s easy to get so wrapped up in the daily struggles of infertility that you lose sight of what’s going on in your life. It’s easy to forget the little things that you have to look forward to.
All last week I was consumed with every sign and symptom going on with my body trying to capture the positive OPK that I longed for so badly that I forgot that there was a concert at our church that I’d been wanting to go to. Friday morning we decided to order tickets and go that evening. I got home from work, got ready and made the drive over to Amplify. I will be totally honest – all last week I was angry and bitter. I try my hardest to leave this journey up to God – to let Him work things out as He sees fit – in His time. But I was just to a point where I didn’t care about any of that..
As we pulled in the parking lot I said “Ok Lord – I’m here, and I am open to whatever message you want to send me..” As soon as we walked into the lobby, the atmosphere was contagious. We passed old friends we hadn’t seen in awhile and were greeted with a smile and hug. As stubborn as I am, as unhappy as I was the entire week, I felt a smile spread across my face. We made our way to our seats and by ten after seven, the lights dimmed for Passion – Let The Future Begin. The energy was incredible. The band was awesome. I was really enjoying it. Christopher sat there, arms crossed. I could tell he was there just because I wanted to go, and I appreciated the fact he didn’t want me to go alone. I knew this worship experience wasn’t our normal Friday night hangout. As the concert went on, the Pastor for Passion gave a little sermon in the middle of everything. After his message he asked the entire church to bow our heads in prayer and close our eyes. He posed the question “Is there anyone out there who needs the Lord to come into their life tonight for healing?” He asked the gathering to keep their heads bowed and eyes closed while those that raised their hands could do so in private. I felt tears instantly form in my eyes, and begin to trickle down my face, but I didn’t raise my hand. Again he asked the gathering to keep their heads down and eyes closed and he posed his question one more time – this time I couldn’t help it – my hand shot up in the air as if to say “ME!! Bring me peace Lord – help me to understand what it is You want from my life in this journey. Help me to understand what it is that you are trying to teach me. Help me to leave this battle for you.”
Instruments began softly playing and led into the song “Here’s My Heart Lord” – I stood up, arms opened up wide – eyes closed, singing every single word as if I was the only one in that room. Tears streamed down my face. I felt Christopher stand up beside me, grabbed a hold of my hand, and together we lifted our hearts to the Lord in worship & prayer …
“Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true
‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
You’re all I have, You’re everything
Here’s My Heart Lord..”
I can’t find the words to explain what happened. I can’t explain to you the peace that filled my heart, what I can tell you is that I felt as though every burden I have felt in the last weeks & months were instantly lifted from my shoulders. I felt like no matter what, standing there with one hand holding Christopher’s and my other lifted up high that we would get there – that we will come out of this journey for the better in God’s timing – not ours.
The very next song that they played had instantly become one of my favorites when we started attending church – my hand didnt tire, still raised high and the tears didn’t stop..
“Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what you begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through ’til the end
The Lord out God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness You will lead us
And forever we will say
You’re the Lord our God
In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes we can know You are good..”
Talk about feeling like the entire message was intended only for me.. how incredible this night was for me. I have always known that music ministered to me in a way that nothing else could – but this experience was just incredible.
Saturday Christopher and I were driving around running some errands and doing some shopping and I asked him if he took anything away from the night before. To my surprise, he said that he was glad he went – and that we need to trust God – relinquish control and believe that He will provide for us in His time. He has made us promises and He is ever faithful.
We finished up our running around and went back to church for Saturday evening’s service.
The closing song went like this: “I have this hope as an anchor for my soul – Through every storm I will hold to you – In everything I will trust in You.”
Christopher and I got in the car from church – and I said “Well I think this weekend was God’s way of saying ‘Calm Down & Trust Me’..”
It amazes me how the Lord works. I am so grateful we took it upon ourselves to go this weekend. I feel renewed and full of hope.
And I guess that’s as much as I can could’ve hoped for after a weekend like this..
Oh, and by the way – I got a positive OPK (ovulation test) when testing yesterday afternoon – talk about timing right 😉