I feel like my life is on hold.
I feel like time is moving too fast and standing still, all at the same time.
I feel like I have never been busier in my life and yet it seems like I am doing nothing of value in that busyness.
I drive to work, to church, to visit family, to the grocery store and back home again. The feeling is always there.
It never leaves my mind.. my heart .. my soul.
I have thrown myself into projects, joined a small group at church, connected to my closest friends even more – those that understand or try their best to.
These things bring me great joy and I am excited for the opportunities ahead, but this does not silence the aching.
I read. I eat. I have a glass of wine. I play with my dogs. I pray. I talk to others about my feelings. I go out and live my life.
I continue to daydream and research, preparing myself for what might be.
My heart longs to be a Mother. I long to meet this precious Child. To hold him or her in my arms, to tell him or her how much I love them. To call him or her my Child.
We knew that we wanted a family and started only a couple years after being married. When it didn’t happen right away, and we dug deeper into the testing and understanding why I knowingly lied to myself. “We will be different. Our journey won’t take as long. We are special”. I may not have voiced those feelings, but I desperately wanted to believe that God would work this miracle according to my schedule. I honestly believed at the beginning of this year that 2013 would be the year of the baby! I was sure that by now we would have a home filled with puppy paws and a little one here, or on the way. We’d be planning for a holiday season full of new joy and love. But this no longer seems possible. Of course God does not bend to the will of humanity and I know this, but the waiting…..
It is hard. It feels like it will never end.
But, the sun comes up everyday and sets every night. I get up and make it through each day. I find joy in the little things and rejoice in the miracles found in other people’s lives. And I wait.
I wait for a breakthrough. I wait for a phone call, an email, anything. I wait for a miracle.
I am learning to rely on the Word of our Lord now more than ever. I look forward to church every week now more than ever. On of the biggest outlets I have found is music. Passion & Hillsong to name specifics. “Oceans” by Hillsong to name an exact song. There are days when I have this song on repeat for the entire day. It is that powerful. It is that comforting. It is what I need. Sometimes I don’t know what else to do except to pray, and if you have any extras laying around, maybe you could say one for us along this journey.
Many well meaning people ask us if there is any news and this question breaks my heart. I wish that there were news. I wish that we could shout it from the rooftops. As much as this post was necessary for me to write to update you on our story and to vent my emotions, it is a bit of a downer. I know that there is Hope. I know that there is a Promise for our family. I know that there is an end to the waiting. This will happen and The Lord knows when
Until then, I wait.
To listen to the full song “Oceans” by Hillsong – click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw