A few weekends ago, we cleaned out our spare bedroom. I mean, everything from the furniture to the carpet – it’s gone. I was sure that by now our extra room would have been made into a nursery. But it hasn’t – and since then, I have found myself standing in the middle of the room or sitting in the rocking chair, just daydreaming away..
Most oftentimes I find myself thinking about you. Sometimes it’s what your nursery will look like. And everytime I think I have it figured out, another idea is sparked in my imagination. I sit and analyze what side of the room the crib will go on, and which corner will work best for rocking you to sleep. The colors, the bedding, the fact that I will have a need to create a nursery. I sit and ponder over the names I have secretly fell in love with for you. I wonder what activities you’ll be involved in, and how proud I will be to watch you no matter what you choose to do. I think of the Christmases that will be when our tree will be surrounded by presents for our little one. I imagine birthday parties surrounded by family and friends. I think of getting you all decked out in Bucco gear and taking you to your first game – where our journey first began.
What I do have a hard time daydreaming about is the struggle ending. Most days I can see the end result – a happy little family of 3 (or more – who knows?!) – but I can’t envision how it will come to pass. I feel like we have fought so hard for so long – and will continue to do so – but I just can’t envision a life without this struggle. I can’t not see myself not having to daydream any longer since my dream will have finally come true. I can’t see not being so sad. I can’t envision not having appointment after appointment, treatment after treatment, test after test – let down after let down …
And perhaps that’s because this struggle has been a part of our journey for so long. And maybe for right now, it’s okay that I can’t – maybe this is where I need to let my faith do the believing for me.
Until I can sit in our once spare bedroom, now nursery admiring our dream come true, you’ll continue to be my favorite daydream..