Over the weekend I received about a dozen emails, but there were two that really stood out. The first was from a follower from across the United States who came across my blog and decided to reach out. The email was riddled with details about the last several years of her life, and her fight to become a Mother. As I read on, I empathized with every single word that she wrote. With permission, I share the last paragraph of her email:
“..when I came across your blog, I knew immediately in my heart that I had to email you. I have struggled so long and the worst part is, I thought I was alone in this fight.. other than my husband there isn’t anyone that I have opened up to. I sat for hours reading every single blog post that you have shared, and I feel like even though we have never met, we share a bond that most out there wouldn’t understand. Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey so that others – like myself – can find out they are not alone. Your story and faith in God is inspiring, and I pray that ‘Baby Bear’ comes into your lives soon.”
The second email I received went a little something like this:
“.. while I share in your journey to become a Mother, I can’t say that I agree with someone being so open and candid with their feelings. Infertility is an ugly word, and still very much a taboo topic. Many people won’t talk about it while they are dealing with it. It’s private — something that they don’t want to share for others to judge.”
Having thought about these two very different emails over the last couple of days, I wondered to myself if I was doing the right thing in sharing my journey.
In the very beginning of our journey as months passed with no luck, we started to be met with questions – mostly from well-intentioned people wondering when we were going to grow our family by 2 feet. We would shrug it off and reply with something to the effect of “We prefer to grow our family by 4 paws.” But as the months turned into years, those that we are the closest in our lives began to understand that we were up against something bigger than we first thought. As the questions became more and more frequent we decided to be up front and give the answers they sought. As we informed our family and friends what we were up against, they tried their best to understand, and offered to pray for us. Unfortunately, there have been people along the way that have silently faded to the background of our lives because our infertility makes them uncomfortable.
Do I wish that I didn’t have to experience the constant heartache that is every single month of our lives? You bet. Do I wish that I didn’t have to endure test after test, needle after needle, blown vein after blown vein? You bet. I could go on and on listing experiences that I’ve endured over the last 36 months that have made me uncomfortable, but they all have led me to this very minute in our Journey to Baby Bear. But here’s the thing: I am not ashamed. I am not embarrassed. I will not be silent. This struggle.. this test of perserverance.. this journey will be used in a way that I probably can’t even imagine. I’ve said this before, and I am sure I will say it again – but I believe in the very deepest parts of my heart that God is using this trial to mold us into the parents that we will need to be someday.
So having said all of that, it is because of the email that I received from a woman, across the country thanking me for being brave and willing to share my journey that I will continue to do so. I don’t do it for you, I don’t it for family or for friends, but for the hope that I carry in my heart – and for the hope that anyone facing this journey should carry too.