I have been really blessed in my life. I grew up with a great family. I always had food to eat and a roof over my head. I have married the love of my life and in doing so, married into an amazing family. We have good jobs, and 3 crazy furkids who bring us much joy and laughter. We are healthy. God had always provided above and beyond. But did I take time to thank Him for those things? Did I appreciate how invaluable they were? Not really. I simply got used to the blessings and I got comfortable. It’s sad that it has taken this really horrible trial for me to be thankful for all of those things that I thought were so small before. Now I know they were huge. I am SO blessed.
Infertility has been the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me. It’s been the hardest time of my life, but my faith is stronger than it’s ever been. Had I not been forced to endure this trial I wonder how long it would have taken me to get to this point in my spiritual life? Years? Decades? Never?
The very idea that all this pain, and fear, and heartache, and disappointment can be woven through the tapestry of God’s plan to produce something good is both reassuring and unfathomable. It’s not simple avoidance of the appearance of failure that keeps my feet on this path. It’s knowing that this path leads somewhere, and I need to know where that is, and what God’s promise holds for me. He tells me that it is good, and I want to be there. He promises that it’s good, but not that it’s easy. It certainly hasn’t felt good to me, but He assures me through His promise that He will make this journey have meaning in His Plan. Even if His plan for me never involves children of my own, I know He gave me the desire to love and to nurture, and that He intends for me to use it to His Glory.
Somehow, through His divine will, the struggles of my infertility will reap a harvest for Him. Perhaps through my speaking, or my writing, or my empathy. Perhaps I won’t know until the end of my days what gave my life meaning in his Plan. But I do know that I have to keep believing in order to reach the end of this journey.
Is it weird that I’m even thankful for this season in my life? As hard as it’s been I know I’m stronger for it. I can’t put out the fire, but I can let myself be molded into something beautiful in the meantime. The alternative is sad and depressing. I’m thankful I’m in this place. I’m thankful for the peace I have even in the storm. I’m thankful for the lessons… no matter how hard.