Pursuing My Dream..

Growing up I had dreams. Dreams of how I could make my life good. Get a good education. A good job. A good husband. A good house. A good flowerbed out front. A good dog.. { and then another…. and then another.. } A good kid. Then life would be …well, good and all dreams would come true. Eventually, I had all that good stuff. All except for one.

Please don’t think I am not thankful for all that I do have. I love my family to pieces. I am grateful for the roof over our head, the jobs that we have, and even the pitter-patter of 12 puppy paws that oftentimes sound throughout our home. And while these parts of my everyday life fill my heart with love,  I sometimes  feel like I continue to fall short when it comes to that deep place ringing with the echoes of emptiness in my soul.

Empty is a heavy load to bear. The mystery of wanting to fulfill the role of being a Mother but not knowing how leaves a gnawing ache deep within your soul.  A search that can seem both futile and shattering at times. When you try and try, always feeling like the answer is just around the corner, and then it isn’t, it can split your heart wide open. It can make you feel unsatisfied and frustrated with everything. Even those you love. Maybe especially those you love. So you fake a smile and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually you stop peeking around the next corner hoping the answer is there. History tells you it isn’t, and wrapped in that perception is the noose that strangles out all hope.  I know this place because I lived there. I struggled there.

My faith has restored a lot of things. I believe God often gives us directions through dreams. They can be the hardest to embrace because they seem too big for us to accomplish. And sometimes they seem downright impossible. So we let them drift away. But I also think dreams are how God increases our faith and restores our hope. When we step into active obedience of an audacious assignment, we see God move and do things only He can do.
It was 4 years ago this month when I embraced my dream to one day hear a little voice call me ‘Mommy’.

It’s been a long journey thus far. There are still doubts and barriers to overcome. Again I say: my faith has restored a lot of things.. and my faith has grown each time God proves Himself faithful.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

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