Struggle or Surrender

To be honest, there aren’t many options – I either struggle or I surrender. For a long time, I didn’t want to surrender my infertility to God. I didn’t want to give it to God because I thought that if I did, it meant accepting His will for my life which may not include children. If you’ve ever struggled with anything, and I mean really struggled, you know surrendering it to God is not easy. Especially for someone like me. I always want to have the last word and fix the problem.. I mean it’s my body that’s not working – surely I can fix it or find a solution?! No. No, I can’t fix it..

I feel that in the last few months, I have finally surrendered this whole ordeal to God. The reason I know this is because my burden has been lifted and I stop thinking about it every day. There were once days where I couldn’t go an hour without thinking about it. Seriously. Even if I was at work, my mind would somehow wander to it and I would suddenly feel overwhelmed with sadness (which often meant a visit to the privacy of a quiet office to shed some tears).. but now, I can actually go at least a day and not think about it. I also have to come to understand that it’s out of my hands. All I can really do is surrender it to God and trust He is in control – because He is in control.

I’ve taken some time to myself over the last several weeks and studied what the Bible had to offer on the topic of infertility. Hannah, Elizabeth and Rachel struggled in their own ways..Hannah was taunted constantly by Peninnah who bore many children for their husband. How much more did she suffer than we do today? Hannah had to share her husband and was constantly reminded of her infertility by her rival (1 Samuel 1:6). Elizabeth was barren into the later years of her life – she probably would have long given up hope of ever having a child (Luke 1:7). Rachel envied her sister Leah for the children she bore and asked Jacob to give her children otherwise she would die – very dramatic (Genesis 30:1). In the end though, God answered all of their prayers and they each bore a son. God used these women and their struggle with infertility to show His miraculous power and to carry out His plan for human history.

If I choose to struggle along, I’m living with the pain everyday and my mind is constantly racing with ideas for what I can try next and how I can achieve pregnancy. But if I choose to surrender, I give it over to God and trust that His will be done in my life no matter what that means and seek Him completely.

One of the songs we recently learned in church contains these lyrics – and man, they move me every. single. time. …

“I will look for there is none above You
I will bow down to tell you that I need you
I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead believing You are able”

{ Lyrics: I Will Look Up; Elevation Worship}

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