A week ago today, I did something for the first time – with my whole heart.
A week ago, my husband took my hand during the church service to comfort me because I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
A week ago, friends laid their hands upon my shoulder joining us in prayer for our journey.
A week ago today, I stood in church with tears streaming down my face as Pastor prayed – for those especially with a heavy burden needing surrendered.
A week ago, I surrendered the heavy weight of our infertility journey to God.
The overall message talked about the major struggles that people face in life and that in order to deal with them, you must get to a place of surrendering them. That ‘the way that you win a battle with God is by surrendering.’ I felt as if I was the only one in the room and Pastor was delivering a message intended solely for me. I oftentimes find myself yearning to yield my will to His, but not doing it – and while not proud of it, I often fail in this aspect. I like to think that I knew what I was doing before when I would say that I gave my burden to Him to carry – but then I’d pull pieces of it back into my control and before I knew it – I had the entire burden back on my shoulders. But this time, it was different. He read a particular quote that I am going to share with you.. and I’m pretty sure this is when the tears began to fall..but I knew that this was God calling me to surrender to Him the weight on my heart.
“When you look at every crisis in your life as an opportunity to trust God more deeply, you will see the glory and goodness of God shining in and through your life. The darker it gets in your situation, the brighter God in His goodness and grace can shine through you for the world to see. Sometimes God’s strength is demonstrated in what He does around us, and other times His strength shines in us.” -Steven Furtick
Having listened to the message that was delivered, when Pastor asked anyone to stand that had something that they needed to lay at the feet of God for His perfect peace, I stood – without hesitation. Christopher held my hand tightly and as he prayed – in my heart I just gave it all to Him: the worry, the want, the despair, the bitterness, the pain, the heartache, the fear, the embarrassment, the hurt, the doubt, the shame, the failure, the uncertainty – all of it.
The more that our Pastor spoke during the prayer and in the silence that followed, the more the tears fell. I tried to wipe them away without anyone noticing, but it didn’t work. The more I made an effort to stop, the faster they came – which, on any given night, wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have just ducked out the back immediately following, however we were greeting last week. We had to face the gathering as they left and wish them a good night. So, with rosy cheeks and puffy eyes, we said our goodbyes. We left and drove to dinner. On the way I fixed my make-up, but not many words were said. I’m pretty sure that Christopher knew how profound the previous hour in church had been for me.
Sunday morning when I woke up, I leashed up all three pups and out the door we went for our walk. At this time I remembered that I had a very simple dream through the night: sitting in the quiet comfort of our living room, I was reading the Bible – but there was only one verse on the page – it was printed large enough that it was the only other part of this dream I remember – “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart – I have overcome the world.”
A week ago, I found a renewed strength and spirit.
A week ago, I took heart.
A week ago, I surrendered – and in the last week I’ve felt nothing but peace regarding our Journey to Baby Bear.