Ask Me ‘What’s Now’

A while back, my post talked about the fact that we are putting our Journey to Baby Bear on hold. We have completely stopped doing all the textbook things you are supposed to do when undergoing fertility treatments; except I am still taking medicine to treat my brain tumor in an effort to continuously reduce my prolactin level.

In the last several months, I have run into old friends and new who follow along in the story of our lives. After making small talk and catching up on the details of days gone by, the question of ‘what’s next’ came up in each and every conversation. But I didn’t have a very good answer to offer to them. I realize that I shouldn’t be overly concerned with their asking as it’s always done in a loving manner showing concern and never in any way less. No one means anything by it, it’s harmless – it makes sense for them to ask; they are our friends and family and they are showing their concern. I get it.

When asked these questions, it doesn’t help me feel content with where we are in our life. It does more damage than you probably realize. Maybe you’re just trying to make conversation or small talk, or maybe you’re genuinely interested in my life. For that, I’m very appreciative. But when you ask, it reminds me that I’m far behind where I’d hoped to be when we started on this path to parenthood. It makes me feel broken. I feel like I’m letting you down as well as my husband and myself. Instead of relishing in the freedom, and limitless possibilities that this stage of life offers Christopher and I, I am left frozen, feeling like I’m not enough. Like what I’ve done doesn’t really matter or that I’ve accomplished nothing.

Having dealt with all of those thoughts and emotions for a long time, it’s probably going to sound strange to say that I feel like there is a realm of complete freedom surrounding me. It was so clear that the Lord led us to trust Him and since it’s been such a relief. I have no clue what CD I am on, no idea if I’m ovulating; truth be told I don’t know much about my body right now. I never really realized how I was trying to control things until after we decided to take a break, but I feel like the best ‘me’ that I’ve been in a long time.

What if my aim is to love people well, and to fully embrace the gifts I’ve been given? Would that be enough? What if my life goal is to simply run the race, to be called a good and faithful servant at the end of it all? Maybe it includes having a family. Maybe it doesn’t. Is it ok if it doesn’t?

I would like to suggest one thing, though: instead of asking me what’s next, ask me what’s now. Ask me what God is teaching me, ask me what I’m struggling with, or what brings me joy. I am learning, I am growing, I am happy and I would love to tell you all about it.

I might not have what people expect I should have after being married for nearly 6 years coupled with the desire to be parents that Christopher and I have – but we are abundantly blessed with absurd, exhilarating, and fantastic things I would have never dreamed up on my own. There is so much freedom in our decision and I feel the best I’ve felt in a long (long) time. I truly believe that we are on the path the Lord wants us to be on at this point in our lives.. my hands are wide open and ready to receive whatever it is that unfolds next in our journey.

So please, don’t ask me what’s next.. ask me what’s now.

2014 Miracle List

“Nothing is impossible with God.”
{Luke 1:37}

Since ALL of our prayers for miracles this past year were answered, it is time to make a new list for the new year. We serve a powerful God, who asks that we approach His throne boldly. Every good gift comes from Him {James 1:17} – we simply must ask in faith and understand that His answer is best.

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”
{Mark 11:24}

So, here is our list for 2014:

•For Baby Bear – we prayed for this last year too, but God’s answer to us seemed to be for us just to wait… it is our prayer that God continues to prepare our hearts { even as we wait, and yes – even in during the hardest of times } for what will undoubtedly be the greatest Miracle in our lives.
•For Christopher & I to continue to maintain our health. We are both beyond grateful that my brain tumor has shown no growth and that his diabetes has had no negative impact on him or our lives.
•For God to bring an outlet of ministry into my life so that I can be effective for His Kingdom.

I also want to say that we do often pray for others. We just do not include specific miracles for them on our list. We do not know their situations or circumstances well enough to pray such specific things over their lives, and even when we do, I would never post them here. But Christopher and I pray for our parents, family and friends each and every day.

We are praying confidently, believing in a God who can do far greater things than we could ever ask for. I am praying especially hard for #1 on our list, as we were hoping that would have happened in 2013.

And as for my 2014 Resolutions:

I plan to incorporate a post related to each item I check off my Resolution List when they are completed, and maybe that will help me be more diligent about completing them.

Finally I plan to start something new that I was inspired by my friend Chelsea over at Starbucks, Peace, and the Pursuit of a Baby is a 2014 Photo-A-Day Gratitude Album. { You can read her blog here: http://trialsbringjoy.wordpress.com/ } I stumbled upon her posts and couldn’t help but to take the time to sift through each post, so beautifully done. The point of the whole thing is to find one thing each day that you are grateful for – no matter how big or small – to help take the focus of life’s problems and to prevent negative spirals.

“Give thanks always and for everything.”
{Ephesians 5:20}

New Office. New Doctor. New Hope.

Yesterday Christopher and I met with our new doctor. She was nothing of what I expected, and I mean that in a good way.

My appointment was at 9:00. By 9:10 I had already been checked in, blood drawn, photo ID created, and was seated in the consultation room alongside my husband to talk with the doctor. Over the next hour and ten minutes we talked in depth about our past medical history and reviewed test result after test result. I felt like no stone was left unturned. She assured us that all of the previous tests that we had done showed no signs of problems or undiagnosed issues. Secretly I have wondered about a couple of things for a while now, but yesterday answers were given. First: Christopher’s first SA was completed nearly 2 years ago in December. The doctor we were with at that time told us that his numbers weren’t great, but they were acceptable, and no treatment was ever given. He repeated the test again last fall and we were told the same. Finally, just a few months ago, he completed one final SA. The doctor told us everything looked great -especially with his underlying conidtion. Secondly, I had always wondered about me. Does everything work okay, or was I misdiagnosed along the way. Again, test after test were reviewed – and aside from my tumor – all looks good. Praise God! We then were greeted with our Patient Coordinator who was the absolute sweetest lady you could imagine. She came in and broke down for us what we can expect over the next 30-45 days, and what the doctor believes the best course of action will be..

First, our RE believes that my brain tumor is not being treated as aggresively as it could be. She wants to see a repeat MRI which I have already scheduled for Saturday morning. Once we have the results from that, as well as the multiple tubes of blood that were drawn yesterday, we will regroup and form a game plan. Additionally, on certain days of this cycle, I will have more blood drawn as well as follie checks. The tentative game plan is Femara combined with an Ovidrel injection when my follies are mature enough – as well as continued treatment of the pituitary adenoma with the Bromocriptine.

As soon as we got in the car Christopher and I breathed a sigh of relief. For the first time in a long time, I felt like we are exactly where we are supposed to be. My prayers over the last week or so have been in asking God to help point us in the right direction that we are to go, and to be at peace with where we are at in this journey. I also asked for God to give the doctors the knowledge to formulate the treatment plan that we need. Before now, all other doctors focused all other factors, except my tumor. Christopher and I have had many conversations over the last couple of years surrounding this. Any time we would talk about treatment, Christopher would tell me that after he prayed he kept coming back to the tumor – something about it wasn’t being done or that is where the main problem lies. I always had a tendency to shrug it off, but secretly I had the same gut feeling. Truth be told I never wanted to be ‘the issue’ – I guess I always felt like if it was me then I would be the reason that we hadn’t had any luck having a family. As we reviewed our plans with the doctor, she comforted us by saying that ‘she feels confident that this is very treatable’ and what she called ‘one of the easiest fixes to deal with’ surrounding infertility. I finally feel confident, that we are exactly where we are supposed to be – and I cannot wait for the good things to come.

Confident Hope

I can’t believe it’s December – where has this year gone?! The Thanksgiving weekend is over, but I had a great time with my family around my dining room table sharing conversation and laughter. The next day we decorated for Christmas. The tree is up, the garlands are lit, our home looks so cozy .. the stockings are hung. And this year, there is still only 2. In the deepest part of my heart I secretly wished we could skip over Christmas this year. It seems like it’s just another reminder that we are still not parents..

Like every weekend, we went to church Saturday evening. And like He has done time and time again, the Lord gave me the words that I needed to hear. We started a new series called “Welcome Christmas” – the stage was lit up amid the beautiful Christmas lights. The feeling that the Christmas season is nearly upon us filled the room. But I struggled. In the back of my mind I couldn’t help but think of what could be this year. That this Christmas might finally be the one that we could fill the underneath of our tree with presents for a certain little someone. That this year might finally be the one that we could make our first visit to see Santa. That this year our heartache finally would have ended.

Listening to the message being given, I couldn’t help but realize that the fact that he was talking about the people who have a tendency to get stuck in a place of trying – of not quite getting there – spoke directly to me. That fact that you try over and over again and never quite measure up, or you think you’re just note quite good enough.. this really pulled at my heart. He referred to one of my favorite verses in the Bible: “The people who walk in darkness will see a great light; for those who live in a land of great darkness will see a light.” {Isaiah 9:2} I was reminded that He didn’t come to reinforce our struggle, He came to carry it. That for everything that needed to be done, He has done it by giving us His free grace. I was reminded that when you posess His grace so freely given, it allows you to inherit all of His promises. That when you accept it, you live in a life overflowing with hope. No matter the circumstances, no matter how tough life gets, that this life cannot get the best of me – because He did everything that needed to be done. God has already given me a peace that transcends my circumstances, but lately I have chosen not to welcome it. This past weekend reminded me of a confident Hope.
{2 Corinthians 9:8} says that God can give you all you need. He will give you more than enough. You will have everything you need for yourselves. And you will have enough left over to give when there is a need. He will give me what I need to weather that storm, to be secure in my footing when things fall apart, and not just enough to deal with it – I will have what I need at the time I need it – in abundance.

I left feeling renewed, with a confident hope, that good things are to come.

When we got home, I couldn’t wait to light up the Christmas tree and enjoy the twinkling white lights as I reminded myself “He has already done everything that needed to be done. We will see our light shine through this darkness…”

You’re My Favorite Daydream…

A few weekends ago, we cleaned out our spare bedroom. I mean, everything from the furniture to the carpet – it’s gone. I was sure that by now our extra room would have been made into a nursery. But it hasn’t – and since then, I have found myself standing in the middle of the room or sitting in the rocking chair, just daydreaming away..

Most oftentimes I find myself thinking about you. Sometimes it’s what your nursery will look like. And everytime I think I have it figured out, another idea is sparked in my imagination. I sit and analyze what side of the room the crib will go on, and which corner will work best for rocking you to sleep. The colors, the bedding, the fact that I will have a need to create a nursery. I sit and ponder over the names I have secretly fell in love with for you. I wonder what activities you’ll be involved in, and how proud I will be to watch you no matter what you choose to do. I think of the Christmases that will be when our tree will be surrounded by presents for our little one. I imagine birthday parties surrounded by family and friends. I think of getting you all decked out in Bucco gear and taking you to your first game – where our journey first began.

What I do have a hard time daydreaming about is the struggle ending. Most days I can see the end result – a happy little family of 3 (or more – who knows?!) – but I can’t envision how it will come to pass. I feel like we have fought so hard for so long – and will continue to do so – but I just can’t envision a life without this struggle. I can’t not see myself not having to daydream any longer since my dream will have finally come true. I can’t see not being so sad. I can’t envision not having appointment after appointment, treatment after treatment, test after test – let down after let down …
And perhaps that’s because this struggle has been a part of our journey for so long. And maybe for right now, it’s okay that I can’t – maybe this is where I need to let my faith do the believing for me.

Until I can sit in our once spare bedroom, now nursery admiring our dream come true, you’ll continue to be my favorite daydream..

An Amazing Weekend

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in the daily struggles of infertility that you lose sight of what’s going on in your life. It’s easy to forget the little things that you have to look forward to.

All last week I was consumed with every sign and symptom going on with my body trying to capture the positive OPK that I longed for so badly that I forgot that there was a concert at our church that I’d been wanting to go to. Friday morning we decided to order tickets and go that evening. I got home from work, got ready and made the drive over to Amplify. I will be totally honest – all last week I was angry and bitter. I try my hardest to leave this journey up to God – to let Him work things out as He sees fit – in His time. But I was just to a point where I didn’t care about any of that..

As we pulled in the parking lot I said “Ok Lord – I’m here, and I am open to whatever message you want to send me..” As soon as we walked into the lobby, the atmosphere was contagious. We passed old friends we hadn’t seen in awhile and were greeted with a smile and hug. As stubborn as I am, as unhappy as I was the entire week, I felt a smile spread across my face. We made our way to our seats and by ten after seven, the lights dimmed for Passion – Let The Future Begin. The energy was incredible. The band was awesome. I was really enjoying it. Christopher sat there, arms crossed. I could tell he was there just because I wanted to go, and I appreciated the fact he didn’t want me to go alone. I knew this worship experience wasn’t our normal Friday night hangout. As the concert went on, the Pastor for Passion gave a little sermon in the middle of everything. After his message he asked the entire church to bow our heads in prayer and close our eyes. He posed the question “Is there anyone out there who needs the Lord to come into their life tonight for healing?” He asked the gathering to keep their heads bowed and eyes closed while those that raised their hands could do so in private. I felt tears instantly form in my eyes, and begin to trickle down my face, but I didn’t raise my hand. Again he asked the gathering to keep their heads down and eyes closed and he posed his question one more time – this time I couldn’t help it – my hand shot up in the air as if to say “ME!! Bring me peace Lord – help me to understand what it is You want from my life in this journey. Help me to understand what it is that you are trying to teach me. Help me to leave this battle for you.”

Instruments began softly playing and led into the song “Here’s My Heart Lord” – I stood up, arms opened up wide – eyes closed, singing every single word as if I was the only one in that room. Tears streamed down my face. I felt Christopher stand up beside me, grabbed a hold of my hand, and together we lifted our hearts to the Lord in worship & prayer …

“Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true

‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free

‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through

You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
You’re all I have, You’re everything

Here’s My Heart Lord..”

I can’t find the words to explain what happened. I can’t explain to you the peace that filled my heart, what I can tell you is that I felt as though every burden I have felt in the last weeks & months were instantly lifted from my shoulders. I felt like no matter what, standing there with one hand holding Christopher’s and my other lifted up high that we would get there – that we will come out of this journey for the better in God’s timing – not ours.

The very next song that they played had instantly become one of my favorites when we started attending church – my hand didnt tire, still raised high and the tears didn’t stop..

“Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what you begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through ’til the end

The Lord out God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness You will lead us
And forever we will say
You’re the Lord our God

In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes we can know You are good..”

Talk about feeling like the entire message was intended only for me.. how incredible this night was for me. I have always known that music ministered to me in a way that nothing else could – but this experience was just incredible.

Saturday Christopher and I were driving around running some errands and doing some shopping and I asked him if he took anything away from the night before. To my surprise, he said that he was glad he went – and that we need to trust God – relinquish control and believe that He will provide for us in His time. He has made us promises and He is ever faithful.

We finished up our running around and went back to church for Saturday evening’s service.
The closing song went like this: “I have this hope as an anchor for my soul – Through every storm I will hold to you – In everything I will trust in You.”

Christopher and I got in the car from church – and I said “Well I think this weekend was God’s way of saying ‘Calm Down & Trust Me’..”

It amazes me how the Lord works. I am so grateful we took it upon ourselves to go this weekend. I feel renewed and full of hope.
And I guess that’s as much as I can could’ve hoped for after a weekend like this..

Oh, and by the way – I got a positive OPK (ovulation test) when testing yesterday afternoon – talk about timing right 😉

Labor Day Weekend 2013

Labor Day Weekend is upon us! The weekend started Friday with my 26th birthday!

My husband surprised me at work with a beautiful bouquet of flowers (picture below) and a small bag of Famous Amos cookies (chocolate chip) – my favorite! The rest of the day at work progressed nicely and in the evening I had visits from both my Mom and Mom & Dad in law. We enjoyed the beautiful summer evening by sitting on our porch amid candlelight, with the peaceful sound of our waterfalls in the background, and chatted the evening away. Family time has always been important to me, but now more than ever I cherish time with them even if it is just for an hour or two.

Saturday morning I woke up early and accompanied my best friend and her baby shower party to the Boat House and prepared to set up for her shower. I wasn’t sure how my emotions would fare during the day. I was nervous that I would be overcome with sadness being around all things baby. I was scared that I would say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I was hesitant about even going. But I had to go. This girl has been my best friend for years. I met her shortly after I began dating my husband. Our husbands grew up together and are very close. She and I grew just as close over the months. As we moved further and further into our journey against infertility, we bonded with them in a way our other friend couples couldn’t understand. They were going through the exact same thing. They tried treatment after treatment, procedure after procedure, year after year. Finally one evening over dinner they blurted out their news. They were finally expecting! I remember that night once we got home I laid in my bed with the door closed under the blankets in the safe confinement of my bed and cried. I cried until I couldn’t, until all the hurt was seemingly washed away. The next day my husband said something to me that I will forever be grateful for. Our conversation gingerly crept up on the topic of the news from the previous evening. Now, up until this point, I had always had a tendency to pull away from people once they told us their news. I quietly excused myself from their lives and their events. I didn’t want to be around them. However, I knew in my heart I could not do that in this particular situation. My husband reaffirmed that we would not let this affect our friendship, that of anyone that we knew they deserved it. They beat infertility, and we would carry on this journey with them, supporting them, and preparing to love our new ‘niece or nephew’ later this year. I resented the decision that he made for the both of us. Looking back now, it was him being strong for the both of us when he knew I couldn’t be. Looking back now, he was so right. As yesterday went on, I prayed for peace to wash over me, to enjoy and celebrate like I should. And you know what, it did. I watched my dear friend share her shower with her closest friends and family. She was showered with gifts and love as they prepare to welcome their little girl in just 4 more weeks. Later yesterday evening I opened the gift and thank you card that she gave me for my efforts in planning her day. The card was beautiful, it made me cry by the end of the 3rd sentence.. and the tears kept coming as I kept reading. The words were simple, but so powerful. She recognized my struggle throughout the process, and appreciated my friendship – that I didn’t give up on her. I stayed by her side, sharing in her day, planning for, preparing for, and helping to give her the shower she longed for. Her closing paragraph is one I choose to share with you – although paraphrasing – you’ll get the point.. ‘God is going to reward your patience. I am an example of God’s answer to prayers – in His time though, not ours. I want you to look at us as an example of God’s awesome work. It’s true, in His time He will provide.’ She referred me to Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord “plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”

I thank the Lord for giving me peace in my heart yesterday. It wasn’t easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Watching the love and laughter she shared in – that she so long awaited gives me hope. Our Lord is so good, and until our time comes, I look forward to spoiling my little ‘niece’ that will soon be here.